Spoilers for season four of The Traitors (U.S.) ahead. Consider yourself warned!
For me, Traitors has never been about rooting for a straight man. Traitors is about throwing your weight behind a Real Housewife, a drag queen, or a female Survivor player and praying for the downfall of whichever dead-eyed white guy has made it too far in the game. However, this season is different. This season, I’m all in on Love Island USA alum Rob Rausch.
Admittedly, I was only vaguely familiar with Rausch prior to last week. I remember seeing videos of him in his signature denim overalls during his season of Love Island USA and thinking, Who’s that goober? I was aware of a conversation surrounding his relationship to a woman named Leah, but it all hit my ear like the wah-wah language of the parents in Peanuts cartoons. So imagine how surprised I was to be watching Traitors and learn that he is actually my beloved husband for whom I would do anything.
On the literal surface level, yes, Rausch is incredibly handsome. He’s got a face chiseled from marble and the kind of perma-tan you can get only from spending most of your time shirtless in the South. When he is clothed, he is often wearing objectively ugly sweater-vests but in a way that shows off his (objectively hot) arms and snake tattoos.
But I am not here to objectify the guy. No, much like a man dating a beautiful woman half his age, I actually really appreciate his mind. In the show’s first episode, host Alan Cumming picked Rausch to be a Traitor alongside Housewives Lisa Rinna and Candiace Dillard Bassett. We’re only three episodes in, and Rausch has quickly proven himself to be the strategist of the trio. In one of the best scenes of the show so far, Rausch pretended to teach Rinna how to play chess while actually coordinating who they were going to kill that night. Olympic figure skater Tara Lipinski watched most of it play out, seemingly unaware that they were discussing whether or not to murder her.
Rausch is a perfect Traitor because he doesn’t seem dangerous, and they all have crushes on him. Johnny Weir tried to run into his arms to do a Dirty Dancing–style leap; Monét X Change and Yam Yam have both flirted with him at the breakfast table; he has a bit of a sexy vibe with fellow Love Island-er Maura, which I hope they explore during their time in the castle. It’d be easy to say that Rausch is just naturally a handsome flirt, but it’s also a smart part of his gameplay.
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“I honestly think I’ll make a good Traitor. I’m hard to read,” Rausch said in the first episode. “I’ve been told that by every girl I’ve ever dated.” (And he’s funny, too?) Usually, Traitors’s hot guys are either loud and showy (hello, Boston Rob) or smarmy and buffoonish (looking at you, Pilot Pete). Rausch, wisely, is laying low and letting his beautiful smile do the work of convincing people he’s not a threat. It’s a smart move we don’t usually see men use on the show.
Later, after being told by Michael Rapaport that his “quiet disposition” and “good looks” are going to be “a fucking problem,” Rausch said in his confessional that he’s been underestimated his whole life. “I’m just a guy from Alabama,” he told the cameras. “I catch snakes. I post videos on the internet. I’m kind of quiet, but I think that’s one of my biggest strengths. When people underestimate you, that’s when you catch them by surprise.”
Oh, right, did I mention that Rausch’s whole deal is that he catches snakes on Instagram? If you’re looking for a fun way to spend ten-to-20 minutes of your one precious life, I really recommend watching Rausch’s snake videos. Come for shirtless Rausch holding a venomous predator like it’s nothing, stay for the interesting animal facts.
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Luckily for all of us, I really believe Rausch has the goods to go all the way on Traitors. He’s well liked, smart, and holds a lot of power. He’s also got Rinna and Bassett in the turret with him, two loud, flamboyant women much more likely to draw suspicion from the Faithfuls than he is. Mark my words, Rausch will make it to the finale. And if he doesn’t? Well, that will be hard on our marriage, but we’ll only be sad for a brief moment. Then I’ll start making calls about a travel in which he goes around the world shirtless looking for exotic snakes. That will make us all feel better.
