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On the LIRR express Cannonball departing Penn Station for Montauk at 4 p.m. on a Thursday.
The host may be barefoot, the atmosphere relaxed, but you’re just a misstep away from never being invited back. (Or worse: becoming a story they tell over dinner at Sant Ambroeus.) Liz Lange, who owns the Grey Gardens estate, has visitors all summer long and has thoughts on how her guests should behave. “Help yourself. I can’t ask if you’re hungry and thirsty all the time,” she says. As for house tours: “I expect to show you the bedroom where Big Edie made her corn and the staircase.” But after that you’re on your own. Other hosts have other rules. The standard line about knowing when to help, when to sing for your supper, and when to make yourself scarce still applies, but here are a few other suggestions for getting through the weekend in one piece.
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Logistics
No one cares when exactly you arrive. The trains are crowded and the traffic unpredictable, so everyone understands if you’re six hours late for dinner. Leaving is another matter. Don’t think it’s okay to come Thursday night and stay till Monday morning — that’s annoying. “There’s an expiration date. Guests shouldn’t be around for more than three days,” says a Georgica Pond hostess. Proactively float a proposed departure time if you haven’t been given one. If the host wants you to stay longer, they’ll say so.
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Manners
You are being observed: The host, the staff, the Nest Cam. And Alexa’s listening too. Don’t bad-mouth the host anywhere. Leave your dishy discussion about the décor until you’re five miles from the premises. And get to know the staff by name. “Red flags are anyone who walks straight past you and doesn’t say ‘hello,’” says one estate manager. Don’t cosplay Downton Abbey, either: “We’ve had people come in with all their laundry — a full wardrobe — expecting a cleaning service like a kid coming back home from college.” Michael Fazio, co-founder of the concierge service LIVunLtd, says it’s not enough to strip the sheets on your way out. “Bed ‘staging’ is a thing,” he says. “It bugs me when guests make no attempt to make their room look how it was when they arrived.”
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Fine Dining
Keep your diet to yourself. “Unless you have an allergy that will literally kill you, don’t give me or the house manager this whole ‘I prefer no shellfish, I prefer no cilantro’ list,” says Lange. “I don’t like cilantro either. Deal with it.” The same rule applies if you’re not eating. “Seventy-five percent of the population out here is on the shot. It’s not something people talk about. You don’t talk about property values; you don’t talk about Ozempic,” says one private chef. Bring up the Building Department instead. Ask your host why they haven’t finished that bungalow in the back they’ve always wanted. Then strap in for a monologue. “They are being tyrants,” says one East Hampton resident. “Instead of prohibiting people from building megamansions, it hurts the owners of $2 million houses who can’t fix their septic system.”
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Housewarming Gifts
The rule is thoughtful, tasteful, and perishable. “Don’t bring anything that smells strong,” says the estate manager. Also: “None of this White Girl Rosé,” says il Buco sommelier Sarah Looper. “Bring something the host can use or drink. The Clos Cibonne Côtes de Provence rosé can age, and not just a year or two but a decade-plus.” When in doubt, bagels will do. Or any New York City food item. If you’re coming from upstate, bring fresh produce. If your host keeps bees or chickens, there could even be an exchange. “People love getting my eggs, especially now,” says restaurateur and artist Toni Ross.
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Letters of Thanks
The thank-you note should arrive punctually after you’ve left. Email or text is preferred. “The handwritten note is really lovely, but often I don’t get to my mail,” says Ross. Anyway, no one here seems able to keep track of their physical mail, and you can never be sure if they’ve actually read your card. “I often find handwritten thank-you notes get lost,” says Lange, “because I moved back to Palm Beach for the winter.”
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