I was 26 years old when I met Jax. That was ten years ago now. At the time, I was living close to Cincinnati and busy working. By that point, I’d been a Hooters girl for a very long time, and I loved that job. I was also a workaholic; I’d work doubles every Wednesday and Saturday at Hooters, and then at Tin Roof in Cincinnati every other night. I had always wanted to work with kids or be a nurse — I went to college for pediatric nursing — but back then, I was really just focused on having fun. I was also close with my family (and I still am); mostly, at that age, I was ready for the world. I just wanted to be happy. I had no idea where life was going to take me.
I’d always liked the idea of living close to a big city, but I loved the farm life, too. Whenever I’d go home to visit the family farm in Kentucky, I always felt so peaceful. But at the time, Cincinnati was still a big city to me, and Los Angeles wasn’t even in the picture. I’d visited L.A. before and had a great time, but did I think I was going to wind up living there for ten years? Not at all. To this day, I still want a chicken coop in my backyard. I’ve always wanted the best of both worlds.
When Jax and I met, things had just ended between myself and a guy I’d been dating for almost three years. Around the same time, my best friend Kara — who I’ve known since kindergarten and has been my best friend since the fourth grade — moved to Vegas, so I surprised her for her birthday and hopped on a plane to see her. It just so happens that all of the Vanderpump Rules people were in Vegas at the same time. That weekend, Kara and I went out to Gold Spike, which had this big outdoor area with life-size Jenga, and that’s where I met Jax.
Having watched Vanderpump Rules, Kara saw Katie and ran up to ask if she could take a photo with her. Katie was so nice, and she loved our accents, because, you know, we’re both Kentucky girls. We hit it off. Then Tom Schwartz came over and suggested we all take a shot. We went up to the bar with Schwartz and Katie, and that’s when Jax walked up to me and introduced himself — the whole shebang. To this day, people still accuse me of chasing him in his DMs, but no: He approached me at the bar, and my whole life changed in an instant.
I’d always dreamed of my own fairy-tale romance, and Jax swept me off my feet. I felt an instant connection with him — almost like love at first sight — to the point where I had butterflies and felt nervous. I fell head over heels for him so fast. It was easy, you know? And I guess it was what I needed at the time.
Fast-forward, and I was visiting L.A. almost every other week. I would work for a week and make as much money as I could to buy flights, most of which I bought myself. (It drives me crazy that people still think I was going after his money, when that’s not true whatsoever.) My schedule was crazy: I’d take off work for a week, spend time with him in L.A., go home for a week, come back to L.A. for a week, and so on. Come 2015, I packed up my Ultima coupe and drove three days by myself from Kentucky to L.A. I had everything that I wanted to take with me in my car, and I drove straight to Scheana’s house and got there on the Fourth of July. I remember her mom, Erika, was having a party, so I changed in my car and was like, “I’m here!” That’s how I moved to L.A. I never imagined that it would all play out like it did.
In the beginning, Jax made me feel so loved and attractive … like he just wanted me so badly. Two weeks in, before I even moved to L.A., he told me he loved me. Things moved really fast with him, but I was attracted to that. We had so much fun together, and that was really important to me. He became my best friend very quickly and stayed that way for a long time. He was the person that made me laugh, and I thought he was so hot. There was so much I loved about him, but, sadly, you can’t see the red flags when you’re blinded by love.
A lot of my friends at the time were warning me to be careful — he’d cheated on other girls in the group, and no one was convinced he’d changed. But I loved him, so I was like, “I’m just gonna do what I’m gonna do.” Besides, he made me feel so confident back then. In the beginning, he gave me everything I needed: He’d tell me how beautiful I was; he always lifted me up and made me feel so good about myself. I was just a girl from Kentucky experiencing this whole new world that I never imagined, filming a reality show in L.A. Looking back, he was such a love bomber.
For a while, I believed everything he was saying. But after I’d lived in L.A. for a bit, long before he cheated on me, I started to notice a shift. The energy Jax has around him is something that everybody notices. If he’s in the best mood, he can walk in a room and be a total charmer, and everybody loves him and feels drawn to him. Then, when he’s in a bad mood, he’ll bring all the energy down and nitpick, and I had to deal with that constantly. But it was always on his terms: Jax would fight with me, then leave for 30 minutes, and it was like nothing ever happened. I don’t like confrontation, and I don’t like arguing with people, so I just followed his lead. It made me feel so awful that I started to become a homebody. My friends would beg me to come out, but I did not want to leave the house. I was really struggling.
Before I appeared on Vanderpump Rules, I was super confident. But as the show got more popular, I started taking the things people were saying a lot harder, and I got a lot harder on myself. Because, honestly, what they were saying wasn’t a lie, but you’re constantly battling yourself in your own mind. Is this correct? Am I doing something wrong? Is this okay? By season one on The Valley, I feel like people could tell I had no confidence at all. People would tell me that I looked so different from when I first started Vanderpump Rules — I was, like, 90 pounds, but I was also a baby. I’m like, Guys, what do you expect? It’s been ten years. I’m a woman. I age, you know? But the worst part was that I started to believe the horrible things that were being said to me. You can tell from watching the show that I was depressed. There were some days where it was hard for me to leave the couch. Everything was so public, and that took a toll on me.
I’m somebody who wants to help people — that’s just my personality. And I remember for a while thinking, I can fix him. I can fix him. After we went through the whole cheating thing, which was terrible, obviously, we broke up for three months. Soon after, his dad passed away, and that brought us back together. Being forgiving is just part of who I am. Of course, that can be a good quality, but it also allows people to walk all over me. It seemed like he was really making changes at the time, and I was like, Okay, maybe we can do this again. We can get back into this. I was still so in love with him, and I knew that he was in love with me, too. And then he just gradually drifted away. He makes all these promises — all these things that he’s going to change and do. Then over time, he goes right back to being Jax.
After Vanderpump Rules was over, I got some big commercial jobs. Instead of being proud of me, it felt like he held that against me. Why would he not want me to succeed? Back then, I was his biggest fan and his No. 1 supporter through everything, but he couldn’t do the same for me.
Leaving Jax feels like a huge weight lifted off my chest. There’s a sense of freedom in it. For one, the cabinet doors and silverware drawer aren’t open 24/7 anymore. But honestly, the biggest thing that’s changed is the energy in my house. I’ve got so much more peace in my life now because I don’t have that negative energy around me every single day, which also means I feel so much more confident in my skin: getting out, getting ready, getting dressed. Nothing’s holding me back anymore. I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant with my son, so I’ve got stretch marks and whatnot, and it took me a long time to lose weight. To this day, I still work on it. But Jax always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. On the first season of The Valley, he kept suggesting on national television that I had a drinking problem, when behind closed doors, as everyone now knows, he was struggling with his own problems. And honestly, it felt like he lost a lot of attraction to me after I had our son, and that is so disappointing, because that’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever done. I’ll take the stretch marks.
I’ve tried to make peace with everyone’s opinions. I definitely try. There have been so many great, supportive comments, but there are also the ones that really dig at my heartstrings, like, “You knew this from the beginning. Why did you stay with him?” or “People warned you.” Looking back at my relationship, the veil has definitely been lifted, and I’ve said that many, many times. I noticed a lot of things that I should have noticed earlier. But the people in my comments weren’t in my everyday life. I know I was stuck in that relationship, but you weren’t there. You didn’t see how he was my very best friend. You didn’t see how much we laughed and how much we had fun together, and how much love we had for each other for a very long time. It’s hard enough to go through a separation or divorce, but doing so on a public level is even harder when you have people commenting about what you should have done.
Maybe it’s because Bravo is watched mostly by women, so they want to forgive the hot men — I don’t know if that’s true or not, but it just seems like the guys are forgiven a whole hell of a lot easier than the women are. Or maybe it’s just part of what we do: You could be doing great one minute, and then the next episode, they could hate you. You just never know what you’re gonna get.
Sometimes the bad comments still get to me, and I’m like, Why? What did I ever do to these people? Why are they mad at me? But I feel like I’ve gotten a lot better at handling the social-media trolls. In the past, I would call them out and say, “You’re a woman. Why are you commenting on this? Lift each other up. Like, come on.” Now, I restrict, restrict, restrict. If they continue to be a hater or a troll, that’s when they get blocked. They get one chance. I just don’t understand the whole social-media bullying thing. Can you imagine me going to somebody’s page and commenting, “I hate that outfit”?! You don’t need to tell me you hate my outfit. If you don’t like my outfit, scroll on.
I have weak moments, of course. Me being proud of myself and feeling strong does not mean that it’s always easy. There are so many days where I’m defeated and upset and I break down and cry. It’s not always me smiling and laughing. Take The Valley premiere the other night. That should have been an amazing night, but I felt so out of character because people kept asking me how proud I am of Jax in his recovery journey. Of course I’m proud of him for trying, and I really hope it’s not just for show, but I’m the one that had to go through the works with him — this is what I have to talk about on my premiere party night? It did not feel good to be asked how proud I am of this person, so I had to get off the carpet for a second and run to the bathroom with my publicist to take a deep breath and get back to myself. I felt guilty because I didn’t finish all of the interviews, but it wasn’t feeling right to me. Thank God my dad and my stepmom were in town; they brought me back to life that night and the next morning.
I still put myself in a hole sometimes, and I know I just gotta claw my way back out of it. My anxiety has gone up tremendously. Whenever I go out, I start feeling like everybody knows what’s going on in my life, and it makes me far more anxious than I ever was before. And obviously, I’m on a reality show: People have always known what’s going on in my life. But this is different. It’s a divorce. It’s Jax coming out with his cocaine addiction. I’m a parent. When I’m dropping my son off at school, when I’m taking him to the therapist, it feels like they know about all this.
But my son is what keeps me going and keeps me motivated and keeps me strong. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him to make me feel whole. And despite everything I’ve gone through, I wouldn’t change a thing because I wouldn’t have my son, and he’s my driving force. Me and Jax might not be cool anymore or be friends right now, but he gave me my beautiful son, and that’s the best thing that that man will ever do. And because I am a public figure, I can use my platform to help other women, and that is a plus on its own — if I’m able to help other women leave a toxic relationship, then that makes it all worth it. I can also be an advocate for autism — I always wanted to work with kids, but now I feel like I can do that even more. It’s a blessing at the end of the day.
People have grown up watching Jax and I for so long, they want to see us evolve. In return, I want to show my real life, and my real life is that I am a mother now. I love being a mom more than anything in my life, but just because I’m going through a divorce, that doesn’t mean I can’t get dressed up and feel sexy every now and then. It can be hard to dress for my body sometimes, because my breasts have gotten even bigger after having my son, but I don’t care what anyone else thinks: If something catches my eye, I’m in. People are always like, “Why are you wearing a low-cut shirt? You’re a mother.” Yes, I’m a mother, but I am 36 years old. I feel like I should be able to express my sexuality however I want to, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just because you’re a mom you’re not supposed to let your cleavage show, like, what the heck? It’s not like I’m walking around naked. I just want to feel good, getting dressed up makes me feel better about myself, and me being happy now makes me a better mom.
In terms of dating, I’m definitely just having fun right now and testing the waters. I’m still very much a homebody. My friends want me to sign up for dating apps, but I can’t! I cannot do that; I’ve never been on them. Dating apps started around the same time I met Jax ten years ago. All I know is that I don’t want anybody around my son unless it’s something serious or someone I really trust. So, I’ve definitely got some new boundaries, and I’ll be looking for more red flags from the very beginning. Things will be different now, because I’ve got a lot to protect. But that doesn’t mean I’m not hopeful. I feel like I’m a good person, and I need me a good man, and I think that I’ll find that one day. I’m still a romantic. I’m still a Disney girl at heart.
I remember when Jax and I broke up briefly while filming Vanderpump Rules, Lisa Vanderpump took me to dinner and was like, “Don’t worry, you’re not going anywhere, honey.” Of course, I was a nervous wreck. Now, all these years later, going through a divorce, I’m not really worried about that. Sure, Jax might’ve brought me on this show, but I have kicked the door down. I know I’m a good person. I’ve always been open and real and raw, and I think people see me for who I am. Looking around at what I’ve built, I feel so much stronger than I ever have before. The fact that I have my house on my own, and I can do this all by myself? I feel so proud. So don’t worry about me: I’m going to be just fine.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
