Wicked is not exactly known for being a sexy musical. It is mostly about female friendship and animal-rights activism, and you’re more likely to get turned on at a community theater production of Pippin. Nevertheless, there is exactly one sexy moment: In the middle of Act Two, Elphaba and Fiyero have fled to her wooded hideout and finally confess their love to each other in “As Long As You’re Mine.” They’re on their knees, hips close, belting about waking up their bodies and making up for lost time. If you know a woman who was really obsessed with Wicked as a tween, I have no doubt that this song was … very formative for her.
So imagine my fear when Jon M. Chu told Deadline that the version of “As Long As You’re Mine” on Broadway is “much more physical” than what we get in Wicked: For Good. “Instead of just a song about them together, it’s a song about will they, won’t they, how are they going to find each other?” Chu said. Personally, I was hoping they would find each other horizontally.
As it turns out, the sequence in the movie is still decently sexy. There’s less raw horny energy than we get onstage, but there are roaming hands, some good kissing, and a shot of Elphaba (Cynthia Erivo) and a shirtless Fiyero (Jonathan Bailey) lying together under the covers. My audience shrieked and applauded. However, there is something that must be addressed: Elphaba spends most of this sequence wearing the chunkiest wool cardigan you’ve ever seen.
However chunky you’re imagining, double it.
When Elphaba and Fiyero arrive at her forest apartment, it’s clear what’s about to go down. Fiyero takes off his jacket, then his suspenders. It’s on! Well, pause. Elphaba actually has to put on the most drab item of clothing ever put on the big screen. It’s a long, thick, gray sweater (not even black!), and my initial thought was that it’s not so dissimilar from what the decrepit feline Grizabella wears in Cats. It’s such a specific choice that it almost feels like Chu is deliberately throwing a bucket of cold water onto the film’s only hot moment.
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I get it, Elphaba is supposed to be a no-nonsense introvert who has adopted a steely demeanor as a defense mechanism against a lifetime of bullying. She does not have a history of being “sexy” per se, and the sweater is a reflection of her unfussy nature. Besides, Fiyero doesn’t care about her looks. He thinks she’s beautiful, ugly sweater and all. I love that for them. For me? I would have preferred literally anything else. A black satin robe, a cashmere shawl, even an oversize Shiz University T-shirt would’ve been sexier.
This is perhaps a real horndog’s gripe. The millions of children and prudes who see Wicked: For Good this weekend might not even notice the offending cardigan. They might actually say, “How practical, it does look like it might get kind of chilly in that treehouse.” But I must stick up for my fellow “As Long As You’re Mine” purists. When done well, the scene is all-gas, no-brakes electricity. Instead, Chu immediately slams on the brakes before carefully easing his way to slightly above the speed limit. I got to my destination safely, but it was not as fun. That being said, if anyone can ID Elphaba’s sweater, please let me know. I think my mom would love it.
