Around this time last summer, I was going through a long-term breakup and reading so many horror stories of dating as a young woman that I wasn’t sure when I’d want to get back out there. As I sat across from a co-worker, sharing the story of the past few months of my life over a poke bowl, she invited me to join my first gay group chat. I thought about the tales of despair and ventures of celibacy I’d heard about and felt a glimmer of excitement: At least I would never have to date a man again.
Within a few weeks, I’d experienced a new side of the city I have called home for nearly a decade. I made a dozen new friends, joined a few more group chats, and even gained some romantic prospects. Any fear I had about dating subsided with a general awe and respect for the community I was entering. Writer Peyton Dix told me she had a similar experience after moving to New York in her mid-20s. About six years ago, she attended her first underground Brooklyn party that focuses on queer POC. She was in heaven: “I found God at Gush,” she says.
Post-COVID, it felt like lesbian bars were on the brink of extinction (save for a few notable names in New York like Cubbyhole, Henrietta Hudson, and Ginger’s). But over the past year, I’ve felt the number of sapphic parties growing, along with the community’s needs for these events. Some of the popular women-loving-women parties in New York are now offering specific atmospheres to cater to all types of queer women and nonbinary folks. Want to learn queer line dancing? Try Stud Country. Need to drink some good wine with your community? Go to BABE or Chardonngay. Want to fit in with the TikTok lesbians? Get ready to groove at Futch. And if you’re sober, try Boyfriend Co-Op, a new queer-owned coffee shop and bar in Bushwick, which aims to be a hub for all the “gay gals and their pals.”
The options are endless, and unlike most dating events in the straight world, these parties are met with enthusiasm. Sure, part of that may be because music is just better at gay parties, but it’s also because the goals sapphic partygoers set for themselves tend to be more expansive. Going out is not solely about hooking up but forming friendships and spending time in a space where no self-explanation is necessary. “Something that’s really beautiful, and maybe sometimes toxic in queer spaces, is that even if you go out with the intention of wanting to hook up or date, bare minimum, you make a friend,” says Dix. “It’s never going to be a waste of a night.”
If you’re feeling overwhelmed at your prospects, that’s part of the pleasure. But I get it — it can be a lot to navigate, especially for first-timers. If I could tell my 22-year-old self, who dragged her friends to Brooklyn for a party at the Woods one random night, that popular straight bars on the East Side like Ray’s and Joyface were hosting queer nights monthly now, I’d have a hard time believing it. And while the sapphic scene in New York keeps growing, I figured I’d attend some notable queer parties and spaces alongside my friends to break down what each place can offer for you, below, from some OG events to relaxed wine-focused gatherings and more curated parties.
The OG’s
The Woods
When Reneé Rapp sings, “My ex walked in with my other ex with her,” on “Leave Me Alone,” she’s probably talking about parties at the Woods. The Williamsburg bar hosts a weekly party called MISSTER Wednesdays, and the event is notorious for forming a gnarly line out front by 10 p.m. It’s the most well-known (and feared) lesbian party in the city with a median age of about 21. And while it’s a messy, fun, gay experience everyone should have, at one point it was one of the few places in Brooklyn where queer women felt safe to gather.
PAT
PAT is like a spiritual sister to the Woods in that it has been going on for nearly a decade. Indoor and outdoor spaces to gather are offered here, too.
Much like the Woods, PAT is so foundational that it has become a regular stomping ground for an array of queer social groups, like Queer Feet, a run club co-founded by Jessie Wang, pictured here.
Brooke, who runs the popular Instagram account @lesbianhands, is pictured here with her friends at PAT. A party as laid-back as PAT, where the median age skews older than at events like the ones hosted by the Woods, is harder to find lately. “This feels more queer and less lesbian,” says Emma, a PAT regular. “I can roll up in a T-shirt and no makeup.”
Photos by Chandler Ryan, Brooke LaMantia, Jessie Wang
The Woods
When Reneé Rapp sings, “My ex walked in with my other ex with her,” on “Leave Me Alone,” she’s probably talking about parties at the Woods. The Williamsburg bar hosts a weekly party called MISSTER Wednesdays, and the event is notorious for forming a gnarly line out front by 10 p.m. It’s the most well-known (and feared) lesbian party in the city with a median age of about 21. And while it’s a messy, fun, gay experience everyone should have, at one point it was one of the few places in Brooklyn where queer women felt safe to gather.
PAT
PAT is like a spiritual sister to the Woods in that it has been going on for nearly a decade. Indoor and outdoor spaces to gather are offered here, too.
Much like the Woods, PAT is so foundational that it has become a regular stomping ground for an array of queer social groups, like Queer Feet, a run club co-founded by Jessie Wang, pictured here.
Brooke, who runs the popular Instagram account @lesbianhands, is pictured here with her friends at PAT. A party as laid-back as PAT, where the median age skews older than at events like the ones hosted by the Woods, is harder to find lately. “This feels more queer and less lesbian,” says Emma, a PAT regular. “I can roll up in a T-shirt and no makeup.”
Photos by Chandler Ryan, Brooke LaMantia, Jessie Wang
The Relaxed, Wine-Centered Gatherings
BABE
BABE, a monthly social event founded by Ren Peir and trent, is a combo of good wine, their BIPOC friends, and great gay fashion. “It isn’t just like a sticky floor and gyrating bodies, you’re actually able to connect with people,” says Peir.
“I care about being in a place where I can sit and feel comfortable, and that’s what brings me back,” says Mercy, a BABE attendee who is pictured on the right alongside her friend Bethel.
“The first time I was here, I took a video of the room and captioned it, ‘Now this is where all the hot Black gay people are,’ and it went viral. Now it sells out in five minutes, so I’m sorry,” says Shakivla, a regular BABE attendee pictured here with friends.
“We wanted to create a space that centered BIPOC queer individuals,” says trent, a co-founder of BABE. “We’ve seen a lot of cute connections happen. We’ve seen professional connections happen, people making friends, people finding a little boo thing.”
Chardonngay
Chardonngay started as a question — “Would anyone want to get wine and hang out?” — posted on queer dating app Lex by Megan Utter. “I had 60 responses within the evening, so I planned a date at Frog wine bar in Bed-Stuy,” she says.
“People are really desperate for human connection, and there’s an added layer with queer spaces because we know there are so few of them,” says Utter, pictured on the right. “With straight dating, there has always been speed dating and bars. But people want to get off the apps and be in person.”
Before every Chardonngay event, Megan Utter sends out a message to see who is coming alone so she can say hello to them and connect them with groups. Attendee Steph Jones took advantage of that message and, after an introduction from Utter, made a whole friend group from a wine night.
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“We’ve had two success stories of people who have met for the first time at a Chardonngay event and ended up dating,” Utter says. While she notes that’s not exclusively the point of the event, who could be mad at that?
Photos by Alex Joseph, Ashley Alder
BABE
BABE, a monthly social event founded by Ren Peir and trent, is a combo of good wine, their BIPOC friends, and great gay fashion. “It isn’t just like a sticky floor and gyrating bodies, you’re actually able to connect with people,” says Peir.
“I care about being in a place where I can sit and feel comfortable, and that’s what brings me back,” says Mercy, a BABE attendee who is pictured on the right alongside her friend Bethel.
“The first time I was here, I took a video of the room and captioned it, ‘Now this is where all the hot Black gay people are,’ and it went viral. Now it sells out in five minutes, so I’m sorry,” says Shakivla, a regular BABE attendee pictured here with friends.
“We wanted to create a space that centered BIPOC queer individuals,” says trent, a co-founder of BABE. “We’ve seen a lot of cute connections happen. We’ve seen professional connections happen, people making friends, people finding a little boo thing.”
Chardonngay
Chardonngay started as a question — “Would anyone want to get wine and hang out?” — posted on queer dating app Lex by Megan Utter. “I had 60 responses within the evening, so I planned a date at Frog wine bar in Bed-Stuy,” she says.
“People are really desperate for human connection, and there’s an added layer with queer spaces because we know there are so few of them,” says Utter, pictured on the right. “With straight dating, there has always been speed dating and bars. But people want to get off the apps and be in person.”
Before every Chardonngay event, Megan Utter sends out a message to see who is coming alone so she can say hello to them and connect them with groups. Attendee Steph Jones took advantage of that message and, after an introduction from Utter, made a whole friend group from a wine night.
“We’ve had two success stories of people who have met for the first time at a Chardonngay event and ended up dating,” Utter says. While she notes that’s not exclusively the point of the event, who could be mad at that?
Photos by Alex Joseph, Ashley Alder
For a Curated Experience
Kiss Your Friends
Kelly McLaughlin, Maya Partha, and Sophie Landeck met at a queer book club a few years before creating Kiss Your Friends, a gathering for people who want more of a curated experience. They offer a theatrical party with different themes every few months. “It’s not really a book club so much now,” they all say. “It’s just our friend group.”
“Our motto is, ‘Where lovers and friends become lovers and friends,’ because we’re all about community building, especially in queer spaces in a huge city where it can feel really lonely,” says co-founder Maya Partha. “We want you to potentially find the love of your life. Or you find some amazing friends that you can continue to go to events like this with.”
“At our last party, there was one girl who was first to arrive and came in by herself. I perceived her as maybe being nervous, so I thought, Oh my gosh. I really hope they have a good time,” says McLaughlin. “Three hours later, she’s in the same spot and she’s got two new people around her. She may or may not have been kissing someone, and I was like, Wow, she had an amazing time. It’s fun to get a peek into people’s worlds and how they experience the event.”
Boyfriend Co-Op
Boyfriend Co-Op is worker owned and operates game nights, soup parties, handy happy hours, comedy shows, and more. “We made a joke in front of a group of lesbians, telling them that we were going to open a lesbian bar, and they all believed us. The next day, we were like, How crazy is this idea?,” says co-founder Hena Mustafa. “Now we have a pretty robust events program that sort of forces people to engage with each other, and it’s a less intimidating way to socialize than parties.”
Exes
When some WLW parties feel like they’re too much, you can try Exes, a more refined party for lesbians founded by 33-year-old Mars Castro. For the first 11 months, Exes was a “discreet” word-of-mouth event. Some attendees felt that the limited capacity and places to sit made it easier to connect. “It’s a space where I feel comfortable and one that’s more elevated than shouting over music. That’s not what I’m into,” says Castro, pictured left.
To make the parties feel more sophisticated, Exes implements a recommended age limit. (Don’t be scared, though. When I DM’d them to ask if it’s okay to come—I’m a fresh 26—they happily accepted me). “I wanted to create a space that had a little bit of everything,” says Castro. “A strong aesthetic that’s sexy and grown and sapphic.”
Photos by Eva Woolridge, Evi Fokas, Kade Joy Photography, Alizayuh
Kiss Your Friends
Kelly McLaughlin, Maya Partha, and Sophie Landeck met at a queer book club a few years before creating Kiss Your Friends, a gathering for people who want more of a curated experience. They offer a theatrical party with different themes every few months. “It’s not really a book club so much now,” they all say. “It’s just our friend group.”
“Our motto is, ‘Where lovers and friends become lovers and friends,’ because we’re all about community building, especially in queer spaces in a huge city where it can feel really lonely,” says co-founder Maya Partha. “We want you to potentially find the love of your life. Or you find some amazing friends that you can continue to go to events like this with.”
“At our last party, there was one girl who was first to arrive and came in by herself. I perceived her as maybe being nervous, so I thought, Oh my gosh. I really hope they have a good time,” says McLaughlin. “Three hours later, she’s in the same spot and she’s got two new people around her. She may or may not have been kissing someone, and I was like, Wow, she had an amazing time. It’s fun to get a peek into people’s worlds and how they experience the event.”
Boyfriend Co-Op
Boyfriend Co-Op is worker owned and operates game nights, soup parties, handy happy hours, comedy shows, and more. “We made a joke in front of a group of lesbians, telling them that we were going to open a lesbian bar, and they all believed us. The next day, we were like, How crazy is this idea?,” says co-founder Hena Mustafa. “Now we have a pretty robust events program that sort of forces people to engage with each other, and it’s a less intimidating way to socialize than parties.”
Exes
When some WLW parties feel like they’re too much, you can try Exes, a more refined party for lesbians founded by 33-year-old Mars Castro. For the first 11 months, Exes was a “discreet” word-of-mouth event. Some attendees felt that the limited capacity and places to sit made it easier to connect. “It’s a space where I feel comfortable and one that’s more elevated than shouting over music. That’s not what I’m into,” says Castro, pictured left.
To make the parties feel more sophisticated, Exes implements a recommended age limit. (Don’t be scared, though. When I DM’d them to ask if it’s okay to come—I’m a fresh 26—they happily accepted me). “I wanted to create a space that had a little bit of everything,” says Castro. “A strong aesthetic that’s sexy and grown and sapphic.”
Photos by Eva Woolridge, Evi Fokas, Kade Joy Photography, Alizayuh
