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Sabrina Carpenter is our greatest musical comedian. Not even “Weird” Al Yankovic could dream up a concept like “I might let you make me Juno.” After a whole year since Short n’ Sweet, with only “Manchild” to keep us warm in the meantime, Carpenter has returned with Man’s Best Friend, which is absolutely as sexy and silly and shameless as that last album. Yes, the songs are catchy. Yes, that cover art is allegedly controversial. Yes, it’s a roast of Barry Keoghan. Yes, Jack Antonoff is involved somehow. But what’s most exciting is just how goofy she gets with it, thanks in part to working with songwriter Amy Allen, who almost acts as her in-house punch-up comic. Carpenter is a human cartoon, and here are her 12 new tracks ranked from silli-less to silliness.
12. “We Almost Broke Up Again Last Night”
“Bullshit repeats itself / Is that how the saying goes?”
This one isn’t really silly, it’s kind of just good in a traditional ballad way.
11. “Sugar Talking”
“Your paragraphs mean shit to me / Get your sorry ass to mine”
A song about the limits of language is thematically coherent in the sense that the lyrics aren’t lighting me up.
10. “Don’t Worry I’ll Make You Worry”
“Silent treatment and humblin’ your ass / Well, that’s some of my best work”
Almost dream pop? Silliest thing about it is the title, I guess.
9. “My Man on Willpower”
“My slutty pajamas not tempting him in the least”
This woe is me rejoinder to “Manchild,” about her boy getting all enlightened, self-possessed, and less dependent on her, is the best song on the album. It’s one of the best tunes she’s ever written. And when she sings, “My man won’t touch me with a 20-foot pole,” it’s a “You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch”–ass moment.
8. “Nobody’s Son”
“But no siree, he discovered self-control / He discovered it this week”
This one, about this boy who fucked her up because he clearly wasn’t raised right, doesn’t have particularly silly lyrics, but sonically it sure is silly, with jaunty synths and background ahhhhhs and a dreamy “Stars Are Blind”–type beat.
7. “Never Getting Laid”
“I just hope you get agoraphobia someday”
A sweet-sounding song all about damning her wandering-eyed ex to a life of sexlessness. “Abstinence is just a state of mind,” she croons in the outro. Points awarded for “you’ve got a right hand, anyway.” Points deducted because “jealous lover” is a less interesting persona for Carpenter to inhabit than some of her others, even if the phrase “neighboring bitch” to describe the other woman unfortunately makes me laugh.
6. “When Did You Get Hot?”
“You were an ugly kid, but you’re a sexy man”
A sexy groove beautifully undermined by the most unserious lyrics. “Bone-dry, not a plant can grow” is such a stupid way to describe a dry spell. Going to be muttering “Now I’m at the prospect convention” to myself for a good long while after this. Rhyming “your new improvements” with “I bet your light rod’s, like, bigger than Zeus’” is diabolical work.
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5. “Tears”
[Whispered] “Shikitah!”
Somewhere between the Ferris Bueller score and Michael Jackson’s discography lies Carpenter’s whispered staccato “shikitah!” Only Carpenter can get away with a chorus that goes, “Tears run down my thighs.” The accompanying music video adds a B-movie layer of fun to the whole affair. Good for Colman Domingo.
4. “Manchild”
“Fuck my liiiiiiiiiiiife”
You already know. “Why so sexy if so dumb? / And how survive the earth so long?” is dead-brain-cell pop. In a good way, duh!
3. “House Tour”
“My house is on Pretty Girl Avenue”
An extended metaphor about her body as a model home, wherein she literally repeats, “I promise none of this is a metaphor.” You know you’re in for a silly time when this opens with her whispering, in that “Tears”-style staccato, “Takeyourshoesoff!” From there, there are double entendres about how the floors have been waxed, entering through the back door, and the not-even-a-pun-just-plain-funny “I’m pleasured to be your hot tour guide.” Another nice detail is how she sets up exactly what kind of goober this man is with, “I really loved the conversation and that your car self-drives.” The twinkly ’80s Madonna sound of the production adds to the throwback fun house-party atmosphere.
2. “Go Go Juice”
“Got a soft spot for a bev and a boy that’s fruity”
Drowning your romantic sorrows in booze is one of the oldest country-music motifs in the book, and the drunk-dial is the modern extension of that. But what makes this a classic Carpenter goof is her phrasing. “Sippin’ on my go go juice” is a wine-mom-ism borrowed from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Carpenter sings about it on this track with a twang to her voice and a fiddle in the mix. Things really deteriorate into silly-billy-land when the bridge breaks down into an inebriated, demented a cappella drinking song, with her mixing her words up (“’Bye, it’s me, how’s mmmmcall, do you me still love?”).
1. “Goodbye”
“Arrivederci, au revoir / Forgive my French, but fuck you, ta-ta”
This whole album is a buildup to an incredibly goofy punch line of a kiss-off song about Carpenter saying good-bye forever to a lover. There’s something ABBA-ish in the sound of this track, setting up her saying “good-bye” in more languages than a Von Trapp. The part that takes the cake is when she says, “On the flip side, cheerio!” in a knowingly awful English accent. The very last line of the song closes out the entire album like she’s just done an hour of stand-up at the Chuckle Hut: “Good-bye!” she says as the music fades, and this time it almost sounds like it’s directed at us and not her ex. “Get home safe!”
