Republican men really hate straws. Sure, you may be thinking, We did spend a few years talking about how bad they are for the environment. Maybe they’ve caught on? Well, no. To them, straws are fine for the earth but too girlie and emasculating for real men to use.
Earlier this year, Fox News host Jesse Watters attempted to dunk on Governor Tim Walz for drinking a milkshake through a straw during his show, The Five. In the segment, Watters debuted a short list of “rules for men” that included not eating soup in public, not crossing their legs, and not waving with both hands — and they definitely shouldn’t drink from a straw. “One of the reasons you don’t drink from a straw is the way your lips purse,” Watters explained. “It’s very effeminate.”
You would think (hope?) the straw discourse would have died there, but no. On Thursday, Fox News host Johnny Belisario thought it would be fun to ask GOP lawmakers what they thought of Watters’s rules. As you might guess, Watters’s Republican cohorts seem to be on his side. “I don’t drink out of a straw, brother,” Tennessee representative Tim Burchett said. “That’s what the women in my house do.” When Belisario asked Louisiana congressman John Kennedy about Watters’s soup rule, he appeared to misunderstand the question and instead added his own absurd take: “A man shouldn’t eat kale at all,” he said. “You know the best way to prepare kale? You mix a little olive oil in with the kale, that way it slides out of the pan very easily into the garbage.” Wow, he would hate Ivanka’s new job.
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While Watters claims his rules aren’t “that serious,” he has devoted a sizable chunk of his career to talking about straws. In 2023, he mocked President Joe Biden for drinking a milkshake through a straw too. “You know I recommend all men refrain from using straws. It’s unbecoming,” Watters said. “The way a man’s lips purse, the size of the straw is just too dainty, the way your fingers clasp on it … No, come on. Straws are for women and little kids.”
Here’s what I’m wondering: Has Watters ever seen the photos of Donald Trump sucking liquid into his mouth, lips pursed to the gods? That might just send him over the edge.
