I Was Not Familiar With Your Game, Travis Kelce

For weeks, Swifties have been waiting with bated breath to find out what their idol had to say on the new album. Now that day is here, and all I can say is … good for Taylor, I guess? The Life of a Showgirl is easily her raunchiest album to date, and she’s not exactly shy about how happy she is with Travis Kelce. Fine, let’s quit beating around the bush. Taylor Swift is getting laid like never before, and she wants us to know it.

This is particularly apparent in the ninth track on the album, “Wood,” which is about exactly what it sounds like. In the song, Swift sings about Kelce’s “magic wand” and her joys at experiencing the “new heights of manhood,” which, yes, is a sexual innuendo about her fiancé’s podcast. The song also includes this refrain, which I now present without comment: “Forgive me, it sounds cocky / He ah-matized me and opened my еyes / Redwood tree, it ain’t hard to see / His love was thе key that opened my thighs.”

Well then! It really sounds like our girl is having a grand old time in Kansas City. It’s quite the departure for Swift, whose horniest lyrics before this were more along the lines of “only bought this dress so you can take it off.” Serious music critics are now referring to Kelce as a “reliable lover,” and the rest of her fans just seem stunned.

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Consider my pearls clutched. What will Donna think of this?!