Christine Baranski Fears a New York City Death

The Maria Bamford Questionnaire is a series of 25 questions designed by the beloved and openhearted comedian to unearth surprising truths about its respondents. In this edition, you’ll learn about Christine Baranski, the Emmy- and Tony-winning icon whose long career in TV, film, and theater includes starring roles in The Good Wife, The Good Fight, Mamma Mia, and presently, Nine Perfect Strangers and The Gilded Age.

1.

What do you like to eat and/or drink right before bed?

My comfort food is usually a bowl of cereal with milk. But right before bed, I have a glass of ice water.

2.

What would your religion be like if you could make up your own?

My religion would be rather like Native American religions. It would be centered on a reverence for the natural world, with weekly communal singing and dancing. No angry gray-bearded man.

3.

If you had to be the face of a product, what would you choose?

I love to travel, and I love to go to grand hotels and boutique hotels. If I could walk down the staircase of a grand hotel that had great history, with lots of incredible people who stayed there and lots of stories, it would be the Ritz in Paris, the Sacher in Vienna, the Connaught in London …

I did do a thing in the St. Regis during Fashion Week, and the last shot was me in a leopard-printed bodysuit with a leopard cape walking down the staircase of the St. Regis in New York, and it just felt so incredibly glam. And I thought, If I were to do a major endorsement, being the face of a great hotel is way more interesting to me than, you know, face cream. 

4.

What’s your most repetitive, long-term fear?

The safety of my family on a degraded planet and in a violent country. I have four grandsons and two daughters, and I worry about their futures. If you talk about a deep-seated existential fear, I, like most people, fear for what is ahead.

5.

What just happened in your life?

I was ordering Nike shoes and a bomber jacket for my grandson’s 7th birthday. It’s so fun to have four grandsons.

6.

What is the last thing you read — labels, Us Weekly, and texts count. Can you give us the gist of what you learned?

Well, in that I was looking online at children’s shoes sizes and colors, deciding whether they should be red or purple. That is the very last thing I read. I also came upon my little list of Italian words and phrases to study, because I’m studying Italian; I have a home in Tuscany, which is a beautiful retreat, and I’m determined to communicate with the Italians as best I can. Studying a language is fun. If you’re not learning lines for a TV show, it’s a good way to keep your brain active. Plus, who wouldn’t want to converse with Italians? Then, of course, there’s scrolling and looking at all the horrifying news. But we don’t want to get too far into that, so let’s just leave it at the colors of Nike shoes.

7.

What is the last thing you bought used?

I bought an all-handmade wooden table and chairs for my 2-year-old grandson. You can tell a lot of this is grandma oriented.

8.

Who was the most difficult person to listen to (for you) recently?

Recently, as in the last ten years, Donald Trump. The voice of Donald Trump. He’s just in our ears and in our brains constantly, and it’s maddening and terrifying.

9.

What place will you never return to?

Toss-up between Hyderabad, India, or Las Vegas. I don’t like Las Vegas, and I don’t think I’d ever go back to Hyderabad. I visited there once, but there’s so many other places in the world.

10.

If you were without home or ability to earn, do you have anyone you can turn to for shelter and financial support? For how long?

I would like to think my daughters and grandsons would take me and not give me a time limit. I did take them in and help them along in life, so I would hope they would return the favor. I like the idea that you could put a time on it: “After six years, my daughters will throw me out.” I guess it depends on good behavior and how useful I am around the house.

11.

What TV show or movie would you want to play a part in, and what part would it be?

I would be Lawrence of Arabia in Lawrence of Arabia. And, with TV, I would be in any episode of I Love Lucy or The Carol Burnett Show.

12.

What’s something you’d like to quit — a substance, a habit, etc. — and how would you go about it?

I would like to quit the use of my cell phone. I would like to check it about an hour after I get up, and a few hours before I go to bed, and I would love to live without it. How would I go about it? I think I would go on a long trip that took me away from this informational ecosphere that we’re in and concentrate on daily observations. Or, if I can’t travel, I would deep-dive into a phenomenal novel and get my mind away from it, because to get away from addiction, you have to substitute with something. I don’t even have social media, and I find my phone just drags me down with endless breaking news and emails — and everybody wants a response immediately — so I truly long to learn to live in slow time.

13.

If you could take a brain ride in anyone’s consciousness, whose would it be?

I would have to say the Dalai Lama. I’d like to know how he gets through the day or the week, and how he attains a higher level of consciousness. And then I recently saw Ken Burns on Face the Nation; I was utterly captivated by how articulate he was about history, particularly American history, and how ideas and thoughts and observations just flowed out of him. He’s done so many extraordinary documentaries on so many aspects of life — everything from baseball to Leonardo da Vinci to the American Revolution. He’s so intellectually curious. I’d love to be in that brain for a while.

14.

What is something you regret doing within the past week? (Besides agreeing to answer this questionnaire.)

I’m not sure I regret anything. Can I say I regret not doing something? I regret that, every day this week, I didn’t get up at six, take a morning swim, go on a five-mile hike, and start my day in the natural world. I regret every moment that I choose instead to put my consciousness on practical things rather than living in the present in the natural world.

I think we’re all grappling with that: Where do we put our attention? We’re all driven a little mad by living in this age of, as I said, breaking news and information. So much of the news is toxic or depressing or paralyzing. We don’t know what to do with it, and yet we keep living and breathing the air of this time. I get up in the morning and the poet I read is Wordsworth, who was one of the great poets who wrote about the natural world, so I put my consciousness there. I regret not getting up at six in the morning, reading Wordsworth, and then swimming and hiking.

15.

What are you jealous of in a family member?

I was able to put two daughters through really great schools and graduate schools. Isabel went to law school, and Lily went to Oxford to study anthropology, so I’m jealous of their education. Although I went to a wonderful acting school — I went to Juilliard — it wasn’t a university, so I didn’t have a classic university or graduate-school education. And having played Diane Lockhart with her fierce legal acumen, I was definitely acting. I envy that my daughter actually went to law school and another got to have the experience of studying at Oxford. I’m happy for them, but I do envy that.

16.

How many colors has your hair been?

I think about four. I was born with platinum-blonde hair; it became a dark blonde in my teens and early 20s. When I had a baby, I turned into a brunette, and then it went back to being dark blonde for the purposes of filming, because I thought the lighter hair was easier on camera. And then, at times, it looked reddish blonde. I would say four different colors. But not like pink, green, black, and blonde; these were gradations of blonde.

17.

If you had to move anywhere outside the U.S., where would you go?

I would live in England or Italy.

18.

What’s the best thing you’ve ever learned from someone you don’t like?

There are people I don’t like because I find them abrasive, but what I’ve learned from them is that honesty — just unabashed honesty — is refreshing and, I think, clarifying. I admire people who can be really ruthlessly honest and not care whether or not people like them.

19.

What did you have for breakfast this morning, and is it your usual?

Okay, are you ready? I have a protein drink. It has fresh blueberries, frozen blueberries, pomegranate, maqui powder, a scoop of peanut butter, and vanilla protein powder in oat milk, and some flax seeds. And all of this gets blended. It’s about a glass and a half of this dark purple gloop, and it really sets me up.

20.

Describe something that was funny to you.

I’m sorry to go there again, but I recently saw Trump’s press conference in the Oval Office, which now looks like the Fontainebleau hotel in Miami; it looks like a Miami Beach hotel. And I actually laughed out loud, because he was, with his orange hair, sitting on a yellow chair, and the chairs were all yellow, and then behind him were all these gold frames, and it was just comical to me.

21.

Describe something that is not funny to you.

Having the people’s house turned into a gilded palace.

22.

Describe something that is beautiful to you.

My house has a long dock, and one of my favorite things is to sit at the end of the dock and watch the sunset. So a sunset in Connecticut or Tuscany. Pretty good!

23.

Describe something that is ugly to you.

The new Oval Office. [Laughs.]

24.

How much money do you think is “enough” for the whole rest of your life — that you wouldn’t need to work again?

I already have that amount of money, having worked for 50 years. I would want another $20 billion so that I can give to environmental, cultural, and educational institutions. Because the world needs very serious philanthropists now.

25.

What do you think is your most likely cause of death?

Have you crossed a New York street lately? I have a great fear that some Sondheim tune will be in my head, or I’ll be thinking of something else, and I’ll step off a curb, and … whack. It’ll be a bike, a bus, a bicyclist … Look both ways several times! Even look up and down when you’re crossing the street in New York. Just because it says “Walk,” when you step off a curb, you’re not safe! I worked in Munich, and when the sign says “Do Not Walk” in German, nobody walks; everybody obeys the sign. It’s sort of the Wild West in New York, and I’m afraid it’s a serious issue. I tell my friends who are visiting New York, “You’ve got to look both ways. When exiting a taxi, you’ve got to be super, super aware.”

But on the other hand, if I was taken out immediately, that would kind of be good, because what I really don’t want is an extended period of suffering, and being hooked up to machines like I’m a science experiment, and a burden to my family. So a quick whack might be … But I don’t want to wish for that. I don’t want to think too much about death, actually. I’m about
to swim and hike and learn Italian. Why would I even think about death?

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