Nia Long Isn’t Romanticizing the Past

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“I don’t think there’s ever been a time in my life where I was willing to give up my life to be someone’s wife or girlfriend,” Nia Long tells me from her home in Los Angeles in the middle of September. “Ever. Period.” She’s just walked in the door after a tennis lesson, but now she’s the coach, giving me a master class in how to balance the roles womanhood demands. She rejects the idea that we have to choose between love and work: “I don’t care how difficult the journey has been; I think you can have both. I never wanted to wake up in my 30s or 40s and say, Well, what is the value of my life?”

If anyone has earned the clarity that comes from staying on your path, it’s Long. It’s wisdom she’s gleaned since she over won audiences in her debut as Brandi, the college-bound Catholic schoolgirl in John Singleton’s 1991 breakout film, Boyz n the Hood. In 1997, Long’s starring role as the burgeoning photographer Nina Mosley in the film Love Jones solidified her as a leading lady of Black cinema. It was a part that not only celebrated confident intelligence in a woman but also a refined beauty: The sharp, driven character’s frosted brown lipstick; minimalist, cool-tone outfits; and sleek, flipped-out bob practically defined the 1990s look. Across Black classics like Friday, Soul Food, and The Best Man franchise, Long continued to embody characters who were reflections of herself: hardworking women who didn’t sacrifice glamour. 

The mercurial nature of Hollywood makes it a miracle to break into at all, much less have staying power. Black women across at least two generations have admired the actress’s style, poise, and authenticity, and her status as a heartthrob is well documented among rappers; she’s been referenced in the lyrics of more than 15 chart-topping hip-hop songs from A Tribe Called Quest to J. Cole (which, she bashfully tells me, in between giggles, “feels like a lot of pressure”). Now, the ’90s mood-board muse is moving into a new phase of her career: appearing in music videos, including Tyler, the Creator’s “DARLING, I”; writing her memoir; stepping into the role of Estée Lauder’s first brand ambassador for North America; and playing matriarchs onscreen. (Next year, she’ll appear in the hotly anticipated Michael as the King of Pop’s quietly powerful mother, Katherine Jackson.) Long is as elegant as ever, but she’s also “like a bus driver on weekends,” she says with a laugh, shuttling her youngest son from one eighth-grade event to another.

When we chat, she has the same sparkle in her eye as the charming Lisa Wilkes — her role in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air — or the dynamic former Secret Service agent she played in NCIS: Los Angeles, with all its myriad lessons on love, motherhood, and self-preservation. I can see why, now that she’s in her 50s, Long isn’t on a nostalgia trip. Peace comes when you embrace your past without necessarily romanticizing it; there have been times in Long’s career when it was clear her brown skin wasn’t “ideal” for the parts she was auditioning for and times in her personal life when passion outpaced logic. But what is womanhood without duality, without the balance of softness and strength? The industry has changed since Long was introduced to our screens, and so has she. And though her perspective is rooted in the power of the present, she has faith in the road ahead too: “I don’t really focus on change. I focus on impact. Because if I do my part, then things will change for the next generation,” she says. “If I try to give a little bit of myself to the girl that looks like me, who is bright-eyed about her future, but doesn’t really know where to go, it’s up to her how she receives it.”

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On the roles that changed her life

I didn’t know that Boyz n the Hood or Love Jones were gonna have the impact that they would have. I was too young and too happy to just have a job to think beyond, Oh my gosh, I actually have a starring role in a film about Black love. Larenz Tate and I have such a beautiful friendship. You don’t get chemistry like that often. What we created together was a gift to me, a gift to him, a gift to Black people. A gift to the world, really. Everyone loves Love Jones. I could be in Paris, in Spain, and, you know, it has touched people. That’s why I do what I do: to make people feel something, to think about things differently, and to understand Black culture in a way that feels very authentic to us.

When we were shooting Love Jones, I was going through one of the worst breakups of my life with an on-and-off-again boyfriend. I knew what it was like to be in love, I knew what it was like to break up, and I knew what it was like to get back together. It feels so devastating when it doesn’t go the way that you want it to go. What am I going to do with myself? And then you go, Oh, I’m actually okay. I’m actually good. I’m actually excited about what’s next, but I’m also actually happy being alone. Self-love is the only way that you will attract your lifelong partnership.

On dressing the part

I walk on set with a very clear idea of what I think works for the character. It’s not just about what looks good on me. I love when I have a team of collaborators that are just intentional about the wardrobe they pull, the makeup, the hair, because that’s really the fun part. You get one or two days where you’re in the trailer and you’re trying on a bunch of stuff. One day, boom, it clicks. When it clicks, it’s because everyone has actually put their ego to the side, and they’re in the moment of creating this character that has something to say.

Whenever I do a show, I try to take one or two pieces home with me, and I have like a little treasure box of words or pieces from my various characters that I’m just kind of saving for my kids. Or maybe one day I’ll auction them off. I donated the cowboy boots that [my Boyz n the Hood character] Brandi wore to the [John Singleton exhibition at the Academy Museum]. That was the first thing that I’ve ever given away for future artists to be able to see and experience. I just thought, You know what, this is a good place for them to live.

On what she’s learned from her characters

Jordan from The Best Man is a part of who I am to a certain degree. The business savvy, the part of her who’s a professional, the part of her who can walk in stilettos down a New York block. The women that I play are obviously a reflection of who people think I am in the world or what my work has shown me to be. But I also feel like, Isn’t this who we are as Black women? We are survivors. We are beautiful, we are smart, we are grinders. We are problem solvers, we are therapists, we are creatives. We are politicians, we are everything. I don’t wanna use the word strong, because strong means that you are choosing to be strong. We’ve never had the choice. We’ve had to proceed regardless of our circumstances. I also know that we get tired, and I think it’s really important that we nurture the parts of ourselves that go unseen and we nurture each other in sisterhood in a real way.

On balancing work and love

I don’t think there’s ever been a time in my life where I was willing to give up my life to be someone’s wife or girlfriend. Ever. Period. [Laughs.] I don’t care how difficult the journey has been; I think you can have both. I never wanted to wake up in my 30s or 40s and say, Well, what is the value of my life? Now don’t get me wrong; I admire women who are committed to being stay-at-home wives and running a house and raising the children. That’s a job. But I also know that those children grow up, and when they grow up, whether you’re a working mom, a single mom, a stay-at-home mom, there’s a moment that every woman feels, like, Okay, now it’s time to re-create who I am; now it’s time to tap into my passions because there’s so much pouring out. I just have never been willing to give up my career and my dreams and my aspirations for a man. I think it’s beautiful to have a partnership, but I don’t need to be taken care of.

It’s nice to be treated. It’s nice for a man to financially be giving. I love all of that. I’m here for all of that. And it’s actually like a prerequisite, right? You gotta come with all the presents. [Laughs.] The offerings, surprises, the trips. That’s the icing on the cake. That’s where I get to be soft, that’s where I get to be a girlie girl.

On co-parenting

This summer, I traveled with my youngest son and my ex, Ime. We had a great time. I’ve never walked that much in my life. But it was really beautiful because we’ve had a very public journey that has found its way to peace and understanding. And there’s a lot of mutual respect that we have for each other. The most important gift you can give your kids is to heal your trauma. I don’t talk much about my personal life ’cause it’s no one’s business, but every now and then people speculate things on social media and it’s like me and Coach are good. I hope he wins. He deserves to win. He’s really great at what he does. We can have experiences with our son and make him the priority.

There’s still healing to be done and understanding to be had, but the past is the past. I’m not going to carry burdensome energy with me because that just transfers to my children and it transfers to everything else in my life. I’m proud of myself. I think we’re proud of each other as the parents of Kez, that we’re able to make this an annual thing and commit to these last sweet years of him being in grade school and high school before he goes off to college. We’re both going to be standing there watching him graduate.

I talk about my kids a lot because they take up so much space in my life and in my heart. Everything I do is for them. I’m not a perfect mother. I’ve made many mistakes … My kids have seen me go through it. But that’s the type of mother I am. If I’m pissed, everyone knows. If I’m happy, everyone knows. Protect the innocence of your children, but allow them to see the truth in every situation.

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On preparing for life as an empty nester

I don’t think that I’m the type of mom that orders every step of her children. We share experiences together. It’s part of my parenting style. I like to expose my kids to what I think is beautiful and let them decide.

My oldest son just got his real-estate license. He graduated from high school. He’s thinking about going to law school. When I think about what he’s considering next in his life, I’m like, “Go for it.” And guess what? You can change your mind tomorrow. As long as you’re following your truth and your heart and in search of your purpose, I’m okay with that. Stay curious, stay interesting. And in that experience you’ll find your final destination, and your purpose.

I feel very supported by my boys. They don’t show me anything but love when it comes to work. I think the biggest moment was when my publicist called me and said that I was getting a star on Hollywood Boulevard. My youngest son’s eyeballs got really wide. He was like, “Mommy, that is amazing. Congratulations!” Because for him he could actually visualize this star with his mom’s name on it. It was a very tangible moment for him. He is in eighth grade, and he’s got this really fun friend group. I’m like a bus driver on weekends because he’s got a busier social calendar than I do. In a minute he’s gonna be off to college and then I’ll probably be trying to go out. Like the oldest auntie in the party.

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On being in her 30s …

Your 30s are a time to experience everything around you so that by the time you get to the age where you decide I wanna get married or I wanna have kids or I don’t wanna get married, but I still wanna have children, you’ve been open enough to have these experiences to narrow down your purpose. When I was 30, I was like, Okay, I want to have my first child by 30. And it was always weird because I never said I wanted to be married. Marriage was secondary because I felt if it was meant to be, that would happen. I had my first child at 30. I had my second one at 40. I was so hyperfocused on surviving that I probably should have had more fun. So I think there’s a healthy balance to be intentional about your focus and your passion and to just say “Fuck it” and have fun. You’re gonna have plenty of years to grind it out.

… Versus life in her 50s

I am turning 55 this year. My 60s are around the corner. It sounds crazy to me because I still feel like I’m in my 30s. I feel smarter. I feel safe. I’ve practiced a lot of forgiveness over the past couple of years. Most of my relationships are in a really good place, and I did it for myself. I didn’t do it for anyone else. Don’t get me wrong; there are days when I want to go in. We all have that. But when I feel that pressure or that angst or that anxiety or that need to have a deeper understanding of something or someone, I tend to get quiet and think about what I’m going through rather than whatever the outside circumstance is. And then you can approach things differently.

On fame before social media

Now, everyone’s comparing their lives to someone else. I didn’t have that. There was no posting. There was no TMZ. I mean, I would’ve been in so much trouble back then the way that I would hang out and party and the things that went down in New York City when I was a young girl. It would be terrible. Not that I was a bad girl ’cause I was not a bad girl, but during the ’90s Nia Long era, I’m just really happy that there was no social media and there weren’t really any gossip blogs.

On being embraced by the culture

I’ve always had one foot in the music industry. I did the “Baby” video with Ashanti. I’ve directed a Yolanda Adams video. I was in the Bell Biv DeVoe video for “Do Me.” I’ve always had fun in that world. I admire people who create music because they’re starting from nothing. But I do not like the last-minuteness of the music industry. It’s like, “We’re shooting tomorrow.” I need time to get it together, but, you know, you make it work and you show up for folks.

Being in Tyler, the Creator’s video for “DARLING, I” was just fun. I’m a fan. He’s an exceptional artist. I think he has this energy about him that is inventive. He reimagines simple things that make us think differently. I’m inspired by other artists who have the audacity to do that.

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On meeting Hollywood royals …

My mother was in charge of laying the type on the back of Michael Jackson’s albums. When I was a little girl, I would see all these photos of Michael Jackson at her job. I actually met Michael Jackson with John Singleton at a Stevie Wonder concert. He knew who I was, and I was like, Wait, what? [John] had just put me in Boyz n the Hood. I was so young and so new. And [Michael] was like, I just love you, Nia Long. The Michael Jackson that I knew for ten minutes was the sweetest, most gentle soul, who was a real creative genius and deliberate about everything he did. He wasn’t on an ego trip. As big of a star as he was, he was walking in the hallway with me on the way to our seats to go see Stevie Wonder. I mean, it was like he was any man. He could have been my brother, my cousin, a family member. There was no separation between him and humanity in that moment.

… And playing one onscreen

When I was asked to play Katherine Jackson in Michael, I reflected on my mother working for his label, I reflected on meeting him, I reflected on all of it. And I said if I can just be as graceful and quiet and understated and strong and honest and God-fearing as Ms. Katherine Jackson is, then I found the truth to play this matriarch.

Playing Katherine Jackson has taught me about grace. She is one of the most graceful women that I think I’ve ever known, and I’ve never actually met her yet. But what I know of her and the research that I’ve done to portray the character, she personifies grace. There is a silent strength about her that helped me to grow as a woman. And to be able to nurture and create a path for the man that we all know as Michael Jackson. That’s a special type of grace. It hasn’t been an easy film to make, but I don’t think any film is ever easy to make. That’s because our producer and our director, they wanna get it right. I hope that I’ve inspired women and mothers and people to have empathy for the Jackson family. I think that people have to respect the impact that the entire family has had on the culture. And Jaafar Jackson, who plays Michael Jackson, is spectacular. I haven’t even seen the film. I just know what I’ve seen working with him. He is something special.

On studying the greats

I have an old glass bottle of Chanel No. 5 that Whoopi Goldberg and Ted Danson gave me, and it’s empty, but it was my first Chanel anything and I treasure it. It came with a card that said “You Are a Diamond.” I learned so much from her very early on in my career.

And my grandmother was in the beauty industry. She used to do hair right in the kitchen in a brownstone in Brooklyn. Then she had a hair salon and she was adamant about taking care of your skin and your hair and your nails. My auntie Brenda, who lives in Detroit, Michigan, was like, “You have to get manicures and you have to get pedicures and your clothes need to match and your hair should be done.” Like, always be a lady. Whereas my mother, on the other hand, she was such a hippie. She had the Afro, she didn’t care. She had paint on her clothes half the time. She was a vegetarian before it was the cool thing to do. I had the luxury of having the prim and proper ladies and the woman who was just so cool walking out the door with no makeup with her hair. Natural. It gave me a lot of confidence when it comes to beauty.

On the self-care practices she swears by

Vitamin drips. Tennis. I really hate the gym and the posturing that goes on in the gym and then the trainers that are trying to prove how tough they are. Not all of them, but the environment of the gym is not my thing. I’d rather hike. I’d rather jump in the ocean.

I am really big on icing my face. Anytime you feel puffy or you have a breakout or you have any type of illness, it’s due to inflammation. So I’m really good about controlling the types of foods that I eat. I’m big on ginger, turmeric, supplements that actually aid in anti-inflammation. My West Indian Trini-Grenadian background has blessed me by the skin gods. I don’t take that lightly, and I take care of my skin. My son and I were juicing last weekend, and it’s a lot of work, but after you drink the vegetables and the fruits, you actually feel really great.

Less is more, especially as you get older. We have long hours at work, so I’m always trying to keep my skin clear, keep it tight. Hydration is the biggest thing for my skin. I have pretty dry skin, which is why I don’t get breakouts. I’ve always been a product junkie. My bathroom is embarrassing. Estée Lauder Advanced Night Repair is probably my hands-down favorite product. It’s great before a flight, and you don’t have to only use it at night. I like their Double Wear Foundation because they’ve done such a beautiful job at having a myriad of colors for Black skin and brown girls.

I also have my father’s sound bowl. My father was a renaissance man. He went all around the world, and he would pick up tiny treasures. When he passed away, I found the sound bowl, and I have it in my bedroom so whenever I need to recalibrate. It’s an ancient practice. It’s a quick way to feel rebalanced.

On building your crew

You have connections with people for different reasons at different times. And then you have your core group of girlfriends that know everything about you that you’ve known for a long time, that you’ve traveled with, that you’ve partied with, that you’ve just had community with. My friendships are incredibly important to me, but I don’t see my friends as much as I used to because I’m busy all the time. But it doesn’t matter how much time has passed, my core group has a connection that picks right back up where it left off. That’s friendship. It’s having people in your life who fully accept who you are, but also give you the space and time to grow. It’s a reciprocal exchange of energy that is really there to service your highest good and your highest growth.

Sometimes it’s not a girlfriend. I have a lot of guy friends too. I think it’s beautiful when you can have male friendships that aren’t rooted in sexual desire. It’s a good thing to have male friends because there’s a different perspective there and they can see in the world differently than you see yourself.

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On making change in the industry

You know that scene in the Spike Lee movie School Daze where it was the light-skin girls versus the dark-skin girls? Colorism is a dangerous thing that is sometimes perpetuated within our own community. It’s a reaction to the way Black and brown people have been treated in the world. It’s also the images that we’ve seen in the media. I definitely felt that as a brown-skin girl. I could tell in the waiting room who was going to get the job sometimes and they didn’t look like me. But now I’ve noticed we’re not editing ourselves or softening what feels natural to us. I’ve lived long enough to see change, but I don’t think I’ve seen enough change in the amount of time that I’ve been here. I don’t really focus on change. I focus on impact. Because if I do my part, then things will change for the next generation. If I try to give a little bit of myself to the girl that looks like me, who is bright-eyed about her future, but doesn’t really know where to go, it’s up to her how she receives it. It’s also up to her what she does with it.

On what comes next

I’m filming a project with Larenz Tate in December. And my memoir will be out in 2026. It covers a lot of my younger years and what I’ve experienced in the business and outside of the business and the parallels between both. It’s really honest, and I just wanna inspire women to trust the path, identify your purpose, understand the importance of sitting with yourself, of being quiet, because that’s when God speaks to us. The more you do it, you’ll be able to identify your truth, learn to separate the ego from the heart. A little ego is good. But the ego can’t drive the car. The journey to self-love is never mastered because we are going to make mistakes along the road. Every time you make a mistake, that is your tap on the shoulder to love yourself deeper, to get to the lesson and to forgive yourself for your mistakes, but also forgive others. And call bullshit when you see bullshit — without an apology. You can just say, “That’s bullshit,” and then you can go on your merry way.

Production Credits

• Photography by Micaiah Carter
• Styling by Carolina Orrico
• Digital Tech: Blake Mohr
• Photo Assistants: Steve Yang and Victor Hernandez
• Styling Assistant: Natalia Zamudio
• Hair: Shaylin Jones
• Makeup: Lewina David using Estée Lauder
• Set Design: Hensel Martinez
• Set Design Assistants: Emmett Tekstra and Taylor Woods
• Tailor: Irina Tshartaryan
• Production: Blond
• The Cut, Editor-in-Chief Lindsay Peoples
• The Cut, Photo Director Noelle Lacombe
• The Cut, Culture Editor Brooke Marine
• The Cut, Photo Editor Mara Rothman
• The Cut, Fashion Market Editor Emma Oleck
• New York Magazine, Network Development Zoe Papelis