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While everyone with two working ears and a smidge of taste is excited for Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl halftime show in February, conservatives are busy throwing a tantrum. President Trump called the NFL’s decision to tap Benito “absolutely ridiculous” while also admitting that he had “never heard of” the Puerto Rican musician. Kristi Noem promised that ICE would be “all over” the game. Speaker of the House Mike Johnson also admitted to not knowing who Bad Bunny is, but suggested that “God Bless the USA” singer Lee Greenwood would be a better pick for the biggest music performance of the year. Right.
Luckily for these losers, Turning Point USA is coming to the rescue. The conservative organization founded by Charlie Kirk and now run by his widow, Erica, announced on Thursday that it would be throwing its own halftime show come Super Bowl Sunday, dubbed “The All-American Halftime Show.” TPUSA promised that performers would be announced soon, but it also wants your feedback. On the event’s website, you can fill out a form to tell the organization what kind of genres you’d like to see at the show. The options include Americana, worship, and “Anything in English.” (It also asks for your full name, email, phone number, Zip Code, and permission to send you fundraising texts, which is probably more important to TPUSA than your preferred music genre.)
The thing is, the right does not have a deep bench of musical talent from which to pull. There aren’t that many MAGA-friendly artists who would be even a little bit of a draw, and certainly no one who can do Bad Bunny numbers. The pool is so small that I can basically name the best options off the top of my head:
Lee Greenwood
A gimme, but this is their favorite guy. He has one hit song from 41 years ago that only gets played during fireworks displays and Republican National Conventions. He is an 82-year-old one-hit wonder, but Republicans will trot his ass out whenever they can, and he has already told TMZ he thinks he’d crush it. He will definitely be there.
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Kid Rock
Kid Rock has been a vocal Trump supporter for years now, which has earned him invites to the White House, golf games with the president, and a prime-time slot performing at Trump’s pre-inauguration bash. Like Greenwood, he seems like a lock for the halftime show. I hope Speaker Johnson likes “Bawtidaba”!
A hologram of the late Toby Keith
If the man behind the line “We’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the American way” can’t literally be there, his image can at least be projected onto a stage to perform “Beer for My Horses” to a bunch of people who have never actually ridden a horse.
The Village People
Not only has Trump’s favorite band completely distanced themselves from the gay subtext of their biggest hit, they’ve decided that they’re MAGA now. The current iteration of the group (which only has one original member) performed “Y.M.C.A.” for a delighted Trump on the eve of his most recent inauguration, and they seem like they will show up anywhere for the right amount of money.
Carrie Underwood
Remember when she sang “America the Beautiful” at Trump’s inauguration? She is not above this.
The U.S. Army Chorus performing a medley of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s greatest hits
This is really what Trump wants to see at a halftime show. The man cannot get enough of Cats and Phantom of the Opera. A couple of those tracks plus a little Jesus Christ Superstar, all sung by our nation’s troops? That’s probably his dream concert, and what is the point of the present-day conservative movement if not sucking up to Trump at all costs? Get ready to learn about Rum Tum Tugger, patriots.
